Too few times during the year does anticipation rise as high as it does at the dawn of the Canadian Interuniversity cross country season. It’s much in a sense a runners’ Christmas, or non-denominational winter holiday for our non-Christian and avid-Seinfeld-watching readers. Except instead of charmingly cute kids charging down the stairs to find what was left under the Christmas tree / Hanukkah menorah / Festivus pole, XC most prominently features a bunch of underdressed, underdeveloped man-children running around a bit before puking their guts all over the place. It's just one of those exceptionally unique things.
The 2012 edition of Men’s Putdowns & Prognostications holds true to the title – we put down, and we prognosticate. We don’t say we know everything (not in public anyway), but you can be damn sure we’re going to pretend like we do. After all, science proved that last year’s P&P was not only the most accurate of all CIS pollsters (citation not needed), but it was also 60% more entertaining. And you can't refute the science.
And now, without further ado, I bring you the first of several installments for this year’s edition:
1. Guelph – The leader of the pack, bar none. Rumour has it the only reason Guelph didn’t sweep top 7 last year is coach Scott-Thomas, wanting to see how much he could get away with, made the team guzzle two liters of milk brought straight in from the family farm. Unfortunately for him, Lecours and Hinton are strictly lactose-intolerant. “I knew I should’ve been more on those guys’ cases about filling out their medical examination forms. Needless to say, they paid their dues post-race.” What sort of handicap DST will impose this year is anyone’s guess. “I’m considering doing something involving a piggyback, with actual pigs. I like the cut of Old Major’s jib, and he’s had some excellent results lately.” Probable ROTY Yves Sikubwabo joins past winners Andrew Nixon, Ross Proudfoot, and Aaron Hendrikx, and DST is particularily pleased about snagging B.C. boy Christian Gravel, who alongside Jeff Stone, make up two members of the legendary rock variant surname trio remniscent of the legendary birds from Pokemon. “Gotta catch ‘em all. And by them all, I mean all of the country’s top recruits.”
2. Queen’s – Make no mistake, Boyd’s battlion has been fiercely sharpening their horns this summer in hopes of taking the CIS cross country scene by storm. “Absolutely, we lost some solid runners last year,” coach Boyd commented, “But it’s nothing I can’t handle. When most of these boys come to me, they’re look more like wads of cookie dough than high-level endurance athletes. Two weeks into my program and their bodies are carved from wood.” No more is this true than with last year’s breakout star, Jeff Archer, who could very well end up in the individual medals this year. Suffice to say, he, McGraw, Patterson, Cashin, and Loney are coming back bigger and badder than last year, and who knows what other cards Boyd is holding close to his chest. “I have a cornucopia of talent at my disposal. I have almost as many talented runners as I have capillary beds. And trust me, that’s a lot!”
3. Victoria – The Vikes are the west coast equivalent of the Guelph Gryphons, and they’re getting more and more like their east coast counterparts. They’re so good in fact, that they can’t even bother to use a full name for their school mascot. They’re getting so good that most of their team signs up while failing to notice the final “0” in the race distance listing. Haight is a distance demi-god and Cassidy is showing shades of his fictional counterpart, especially coming off his Jr Nats win last year. Hulse was claimed in free agency to fill the void left by Vike vet Childs, but later admitted he might have been a little hasty to leave Queen’s so quickly. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” he elaborates. “He’s damn right he did!!” confirms Boyd. They should be in the hunt of a medal come November.
4. Laval – Another foreign (to Ontarians) team. These guys have serious momentum at their backs and it’s not the kind that comes from eating too much poutine. We asked standout Charles Philibert-Thiboutot, or “Chuck PT” as we’ve been told to call him, the secret to their success. “Usual Quebec things,” he said in a very thick, Jean Chrétien-inspired accent. “Maple syrup, separatism, and a ‘I’m better than you’ attitude.” Historically however, Frenchies have tended to fizzle as the season draws to a close, right when the other teams are ramping up. “At least we didn’t crash as badly as the Leafs did last year,” Chuck shoots back. Their other runners aren’t shabby either, notably Lapointe and Boisvert, and rooké Labranche has shown early promise as a potential scorer.
5. Windsor – Ouch. While the drop may seem a bit harsh, the losses of scorers de Groot, Aguanno, and Berkis justify the decision. True enough, Walters and Janikowski are serious contenders for medals at the individual level. But the rest of the nation’s elite have bridged the gap, leaving the once mighty Lancers looking more like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Indeed a recruiting class including Pitcariu, Bellemore, Master, and Cooper looks promising for the future but first-year athletes being as chronically unreliable as they are can’t be relied upon to uphold this team’s once high prestige.
6. McMaster – If the nationals course sees a lot of rain this year and becomes water-logged, this team’s rank shoots up to #2 (still after Guelph of course). We bet that made coach Sneyd reconsider ever introducing his athletes to the idea of cross-training regime. Windsor standout of two years back Sanders and top recruit Darlington lead an already respectable team of triathlon studs including Reid and Morgan all of whom are looking to do some damage on the cross country front. Walsh is back and looking to contribute to this year's team, especially with regards to deciding their post-CIS attire. With the loss of Yorke, the addition of a burly grad student could be just what this team needs to put them into medal contention.
7. Western – Last year’s lackluster performance didn’t discourage the hosting Mustangs, and in fact, may have innervated them. “I’m in a bit of a dilemma,” commented coach Vigars. “We usually almost always peak for Mustang Invite, but since we’re hosting this year, our training schedule isn’t as clear cut.” The losses of O’Neill, Smith (graduated), and Andrin (injured.. surprise, surprise) hurt, but the return of the infamous 2:36 high school marathoner, Dill, and the incoming of former OFSAA champion Sayers will partially fill the void. Armstrong and Co. will have their work cut out for them if they wish to wow the hometown crowds early November.
8. Regina – Wiebe will not disappoint, unless he decides to not run like last year and/or opt out of Movember. Teammates Fyfe and Johnson will try to help carry this team as far as they can. It’s too bad the scores aren’t tabulated based on three runners’ places, or even one for that matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment