Putdowns & Prognostications, CIS XC 2013 edition

KVWN Channel 4 News Team, London, ON

It seems like everybody and his brother, sister, and cantankerous masseuse have thrown a set of CIS predictions together these days - gone are the days when tnfnorth.proboards70.com and/or Napster were the only stops on a comprehensive tour of Canada’s callipygian intelligentsia and their thoughts and feelings.  In this type of environment, it can be hard to distinguish the wisdom from the wisecracking, the odds-making from the muckraking, the perplexing francophone blogging from the perpetually on-point speedgoggle-ing.  Luckily, the kids at P&P are back for another season.  Seeking to strike an elusive balance between Potterwatch and al-Jazeera, we’ll be delivering the goods on who will be delivering the goods come Nov. 9 in #London2013, who will fall flat, and who will remain dormant until reaching the Soundbar.  

 Without further ado, the men:

1. Gryphons

We could go on and on about this team, not unlike most of its members do with their degrees, but frankly, as is the case when we read the Kitely-McInnis CIS XC Report, we are quickly bored by the task. Front runners Ross Proudfoot (2nd at OUAs, 2nd in 2012), Aaron Hendrikx (1st at OUAs, 3rd in 2012), and Andrew Nixon (4th at OUAs, 4th in 2012) score lower than a kid playing Duck Hunt with a banana, and Nixon was injured most of the summer. Toss Ottawa Valley-boy Tristan Woodfine (3rd at OUAs) and Rwandan Valley-boy Yves Sikukwabo (18th at OUAs, 7th in 2012) into the mix, and this discussion becomes less relevant than JK Rowling's post-HP bibliography, or the recently-established Speed River West. Any one of the aforementioned could take the individual title, but our personal pick goes to hometown hero Aaron Hendrikx, who knows to “make hay when the sun shines” and will be eager to strike a rare double-gold in a week’s time.

2. Rouge et Or

The Laval boys have not failed to impress this season, despite their noted absence from Vic Matthews. Maybe this was because of some obnoxiously-named "Festivale de la musique Québecoise hô, hô, hô", but more likely than not their lead pack were too timid to tarnish their perfect record (vs Canadian teams) against an obviously superior foe. Don’t get me wrong, this team is undoubtedly strong but outside Chuck PT (1st at RSEQ, 14th in 2012), who has stayed healthy this year and is as good a bet as any to take the individual title, and perhaps Manny Greenwood (3rd at RSEQ, 8th in 2012), the team remains a cold 6-inch veggie to Guelph's mighty and toasty meatball foot-long. Other than these two, the team has so many lads with la’s in their name you’d swear it was a Christmas carol (Anthony Larouche (5th at RSEQ, 30th in 2012), JS Lapointe (8th at RSEQ, 49th in 2012), and Max Lapierre (9th at RSEQ, 16th in 2012)), and is peppered with off-season acquisitions Dany Racine (10th at RSEQ) and McGill transfer Ben "I'm French guys, honest" Raymond (2nd at RSEQ, 56nd in 2012). Guelph may be playing The Rains of Castamere again at this year’s CIS championships, but if DST doesn’t watch out he may find himself dealing with a Catelyn Stark of his own in the coming years.

3. Lancers

The loss of Matt Walters from this team is comparable to the loss of Steve Carell from The Office. The rest of the cast is passable, but remain tragically overshadowed by his character. To mitigate this, Nick “Schrute Farms” Falk (8th at OUAs, 12th in 2012) has not only taken to scoring much like Walters, but seems to be trying to mimic his appearance as well. Another big name (literally), Paul Janikowski (10th at OUAs, 10th in 2010), was especially hidden in Walters' shadow due to his short stature and is on the rebound from a recent injury and some sub-par outings this season. Looking to steal some off Jani's thunder, or even worse more vowels from his name, are an abundance of Lance excell-ance by the names of Dave Meloche (22nd at OUAs, 25th in 2012), Josh Bolton (24th in 2011, 39th in 2012), Corey Bellemore (17th at OUAs), and Michael Pesce (20th at OUAs). Continuing with the The Office metaphor, we think this team will have a couple more seasons with strong viewership, er.. results, before fading into obscurity.

4. Marauders

We like an underdog, especially when that underdog does a lot of triathlons. All (not most, all) of the  Marauder scorers are triathletes, and damn good ones at that. After their stunning showing at the OUA championships, this is our pick as the most likely of the Ontario teams to snake onto the podium. In the summer, Connor "Hello my" Darlington (13th at OUAs, 34th in 2012) won Canada Summer Games 5k and Lionel "The Colonel" Sanders (14th at OUAs, 11th in 2012) put his chicken on the back-burner to run a few half-Ironmans and make a real push for AC honours; we just hope these summer accomplishments haven't left them Kentucky-fried. Taylor Reid (7th at OUAs, 35th last year), Blair "Captain" Morgan (6th at OUAs, 46th last year), and the fast Forbes twin (16th at OUAs, 57th last year) make up a an elite five that wear their pride on their shoulders, their balls out of their shorts, and their hearts on their sleeves. If these boys don’t pan out, a relatively weak 6-7 will sink them faster than a rec swimmer’s first go with a training band. No pressure.

5. Gaels

Although coach Boyd alleges to be a fan of the west coast IPAs, the same cannot be said for his runners: these guys hail almost exclusively from eastern Ontario. What else is Oldster trying to hide? The answer: How good this team really is. The squad is led fittingly by the ALC trio of Jeffr’y Arch’r (5th at OUAs, 19th in 2012), David Cashin (11th at OUAs, 44th in 2012), and Tyson “Light The Candle” Loney (15th at OUAs, 51st in 2012), who undoubtedly have permanent midge indentations from a hard summer's training in Kingston. The Gaels’ last two scorers, Nick "Mountain Man" McGraw (22nd at OUAs, 33rd in 2012) and Alex Wilkie (51st at OUAs), could not be more dissimilar: one is a senior-citizen with nothing to lose, the other is fresh from the cradle with something to prove. Rounding off the team are Evan “Mr. November” Andrin (34th in 2010, 29th at OUAs) and Alan Kal6flei$ch (36th at OUAs) that will jump all over any sign of weakness from the guys in maroon.

6. Vikes

These guys are difficult to gauge, due to the fact they are spotted less frequently in the area than Bigfoot. The only thing we've really seen out of this group was their pre-season promo vid, and although we may become a Public Enemy around the Cadboro Bay area for saying this, Flavor Flav put it best when he said we “don’t believe the hype”. Ryan "Don't call me Quenton" Cassidy (10th in 2012) is a shoo-in for AC honours, although we are hesitant to put him in the hunt for gold no matter what he says to the contrary. Question marks Dylan Haight (9th in 2012) and Olivier Collin (1st at Jr. Nats. 2008) have shown that they are still quite capable of putting one foot in front of the other despite not being as good at it as they used to be, but there is a real concern of them falling apart quicker than a Jenga tower and a brittle croissant, respectively. On the topic of pastries, Matt Hulse (13th in 2010) remains a no-show and has probably spent the season round as an English muffin, but to keep their boats afloat are a legion of depth guys (consisting of Josh Clouthier (29th in 2011), Kyle Irvine (77th in 2010), Patrick Psotka, and Cody Therrien) coach Fougner has deployed like Republic stormtroopers all season, with about equal efficacy. If the race was out west, these guys would be a good bet for bronze. As it is, they'll be battling for it like biddies for the Soundbar bathrooms.

7. TWU Mighty Ducks

Quack! Quack! Quack! That’s right, we at P&P are believers in coach Bomba(y) and his lovable crew of misfits. Declan White (34th Nats XC 2012) is rounding into one of the strongest rookies in the league, although it’s unlikely that he will be able to triple deke the ROY title away from Woodfine. With a true Banksy in Levi Neufeld (DNF last year), a Mendoza with no signs of stopping in Joel DeSchiffart (45th last year), and bash bros Voth (86th last year), Johnston (13th last year), and Prajea (97th last year), these boys are not only flying together, but flying under everyone’s radar. 
8. Blues

At OUAs, the lads from Toronto packed em’ in closer than a drawing of zinc in Zain Ahmed’s (32nd at OUAs) crystallography homework. The muddy, rainy conditions forestalled any photographic evidence that  Alex “Dunno” Denault (25th at OUAs), Sacha (alexande) Smart (27th at OUAs) and Jake “Jacques Plante” Woloshyn (28th at OUAs) did in fact hold hands as they crossed the finish line, but we at P&P feel that they at least stared longingly into each others’ eyes in the finishing chute.  Expect this lil’ ozone molecule to divide come CIS, both on the course and at the Soundbar, and Coach Ross The Boss to have peaked these fellers more savvily than a caramelized tip atop the pumpkin pies they’ve probably been eschewing all season to hit racing weight.  Zain Ahmed is riding a streak of 10 consecutive OFSSA titles, but damn if he doesn’t look tired.  Don’t be surprised if these white-collar dudes challenge the francophones for best afterparty appearance. Keep it classy gentlemen.

First-team: Hendrikx, Proudfoot, CPT, Woodfine, Kuto, Cassidy, Archer

Second-team: Nixon, Sikubwabo, Sanders, Boisvert, Raymond, Falk, Janikowski

Top 20: Collin, Morgan, Darlington, Reid, Gravel, Cashin

And, even though they’re slow, the women:

1. Gryphons

One thing that’s always stuck in my craw is the lack of character depth that that J.K. Rowling puts into Hippogriff characters.  Apart from the one Hagrid keeps as a pet, the rest are all pretty one-dimensional.  In the case of the lady Gryphs, team homogeneity is a pretty big asset - this year Carise Thompson (3rd at OUs, 2nd last year), Gen Lalonde (7th at OUs, 4th last year), Madeline Yungblut (4th at OUs, 6th last year), Heather Petrick (5th at OUs) , Katrina Allison (6th at OUs), and Robyn Mildren (9th at OUs) all finished within sight of one another at OUAs.  The skill set it takes to win CIS and solve supernatural mysteries are pretty similar, and a close-knit, fast-moving team like this wouldn’t look out of place inside the Mystery Machine.  Likewise, much like a combined team of the Ghostbusters, Veronica Mars, and the guys from Fringe would have trouble besting Shaggy and his crew, the rest of the CIS combined probably couldn’t field a team with as much Tom Cruise-calibre jets as this one.  Expect Joanna Brown (14th at OUs, 8th last year) to rebound from a tough go in that race; she’s a triathlete and is probably a tougher cookie than last year’s Italian biscotti.  This is the Wu-Tang Clan of XC, and don’t expect the death of ODB anytime soon.

2. Mustangs

The way the Western-Calgary (not Western Calgary FYI) Mustangs poach chicks off other schools they might want to consider changing their school mascot to Ralph E. Wolf from Looney Tunes. Seriously, this team is basically last year’s bronze medal-winning team plus the top two runners from 5th place Calgary, so it would be hard to imagine them not ending Vigars’ final season on a high note. Amanda Truelove (8th at OUs, 11th last year) is no longer running with more tape around her legs than a peewee hockey player, and the spread between their 2-4 runners at OUAs, Becky Pieterson (16th at OUs, 27th last year), Katie Bell (17th at OUs), and Grace Kary (20th last year, 18th at OUs) was tighter than Speculoos cookie butter from Trader Joe’s, or the filling from Fig Newtons if it were to be sold as an individual item. The rest of the team (Melissa Caruso (23rd at OUs, 29th last year), Bridget Pyke (35th at OUs, 41st last year), and Julie Hambl-twin (42nd at OUs, 31st last year)) will be aiming to displace the group of Gaels on their haels and lock up this placing.

3. Gaels

The top Gaels, or “Golden Gaels” if you will, Julie-”Assass”-Anne Staelhi (2nd at OUs, 14th in last year’s CIS race) and Victoria Coates (1st at OUs, 3rd in 2012), rank up among my favourite duos of all time, right along with hip-hop tandem OutKast, Batman & Robin from their original live action series, Kashi cinnamon crumble cereal with soy milk (except when I add raspberries, then it’s three things), and of course C + H ( <3 ). In their case however, it is unclear who will be the McCartney to whose Lennon, the Watson to whose Holmes, the left Twix to whose right one. We give it to Coates, simply because she has more experience and more on the line in her last year of eligibility. The rest of the team has no standouts, but is a solid group o’ gals (Marie Soehl (36th at OUAs, 61st last year), Veronica Allan (33rd at OUAs, 77th last year), Colleen Wilson (20th at OUAs), and Charlotte Dunlap) who will need to do better than they did last week in order to not make me look bad. The team succeeded in executing Boyd’s strategy of flying in under the radar with their OUA showing, perhaps a little too well, they’ve always been over-achievers, but if we at P&P are even half as excited about this team as he is, then Vigars and his ponies will be in for quite a surprise in one week’s time.

4. Blues

Much like their male counterparts, the Lady Blues seem to have mastered the fine art of all running pretty close to the same speed.  Mary-Kate (11th) and Ashley (26th) Hennessy bracketed this squad at OUAs, with Charlotte Marcotte-Toale (12th), Honor Walmsley (19th) and rookie Claire “500 Days Of” Summer (21st) acting as the icing for this double-stacked Oreo of swift Torontonian XC goodness.  There isn’t an overly precarious drop to depth types Madeleine Kelly (34th) and Donna Vakalis (37th), so this is a relatively bonk-proof roster that could thrive on an attrition sort of day, and could even accommodate one of their low-sticks pulling over for a couple rounds of mini-putt or an autograph.  Compared to X-factor teams from the left and right coasts, this is money about as safe as Scrooge McDuck’s RRSP.

5. Tigers

The Dalhousie women stormed onto the scene like a Maritime winter at the RSEQ-AUS Interlock meet, before which they were given about as much thought as I gave this analogy. In our defense, only Ellen Chappell (2nd at AUS, 34th last year) and Emily Clarke (10th at AUS, 56th last year) are current scorers returning from last year. Newcomers / spell-check’s worst nightmares Natalie Sachrajda (3rd at AUS) and Anna Von Maltzahn (5th at AUS), plus Britney MacArthur (7th at AUS), helped Dal dismantle its admittedly weak comp at the AUS champs, but since their 5th scorer was 56th last year, don’t be surprised if this jag-grad iceberg rocks Victoria’s boat.

6. Spartans

The ladies from TWU look strong on paper, but we at P&P pride ourselves on not being too holier-than-thou to making tough diagnoses, and this team is more about the 1-2 than Leslie Feist with strep.  The Salt N’ Pepa of the Sparts are Alison Jackson (22nd last year) and Sarah Inglis.  But seriously, there’s three members of Salt N’ Pepa, and unless Regan Yee or Fiona Benson steps up, the Spartistas could drop out of contention faster than the adopted child of a post-MMBop Hanson and Soulja Boy.  That being said, nothing tugs our heartstrings like heavy hitters from the glory days of black-and-orange TnFNorth, so we’re rooting for Bomba’s ladies to make good on our 6th-spot verdict and hold their own on the d-floor.

7. Vikes

We know very little about womens’ running, and even less about the teams from Victoria. They took up the majority of their early season promo video however, so we rated them higher than the guys’ squad. It’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s hope it pays off. Team is led by Shauna McInnis we think, but it looks like most of their scorers from last year (Madeleine McDonald (50th), Jenna Van Vliet (23rd),  Rachel Francois (37th), and Alison Hooper (53rd)) are back so who knows.  The west coast has a “climatic advantage” for XC training that’s been noted by many distance-running luminaries, but there’s been comparatively little peer-reviewed research when it comes to the possible advantage the relatively sunny winters bestow on this team’s ability to get weird at CIS afterparty events.  Our hunch at P&P is that, in this department, they’ve got at least a little bit of Ripley’s Believe-it-or-Not potential. 

8. Marauders

After years of trying to beat the Gryphons, and years of emasculating their male counterparts, asking them to fetch sandwiches at team luncheons while Carson, Coates, and Pearo quoted their favourite lines from Bridesmaids, the women have not only fallen from the podium but almost right out of the rankings. Coach Schnurricane, face-to-face with the facts, decided on a drastic change of strategy: If you can’t beat the Gryphs on the field, might as well bury them at the bar. Oh yeah, and the team runs pretty decent as well. Maddy “Easy Bake Oven” McDonald (13th last year) had a rough race in the mud (25th at OUs), but will be back near the top at CIs. Courtney “Don’t call me Zooey” Patterson (25th last year, 24th at OUs) is a big bad wolf this year, the conjoined twins Kiersten Myers (31st at OUs) and Emily Nowak (32nd at OUs) have only gotten better throughout the season, and Megan Beverley (51st at OUs) is back from sabbatical and on a path to her former high school glory years. Call them the new waterboys of McMaster, but it’s rarely ever water in their cups.

First-team: Staehli, Coates, Lalonde, Yungblut, Thompson, Petrick, Allison

Second-team: Mildren, Brown, Inglis, Truelove, McDonald, McInnis, Chappell

Top 20: Hardy, Hennessy, Marcotte-Toale, Jackson, Pieterson, Marton